One of my favorite Doors songs of all times. The genius lyrics smolder with layers of profound meaning as I somehow relate this song with my own personal reflections of 2020. I removed the word “friend” in my title. I would not use that word hand in hand with this undying year, but in a backwards sort of otherwordly sense, it was like a “friend”, a companion of sorts that pushed me to my farthest limits, like a vampire inhaling that last bit of flesh but still standing by watching as I change into a new life. That is what 2020 means to me. A major awakening. A change, unwelcoming and welcoming at the same time. Lightening speed daily reflections were needed to process all the bad and the good that poured into every phase of every month. Exhaustion. Fear. Pain. Delete. Refresh. Hope. Love. Grateful. Ready. Transform. The words that followed me up to today, and with the last word, Transform, standing by, momentously reporting to duty, on guard and ready to catapult me to my unacquainted friend. Goodbye old friend. Hello new friend. This is the end, my only friend…
Category: Blog
Another year ends, a new year begins. It’s 2019.
Oh, how time flies. We all seem to say this as the long-winded chapter closes leaving a somewhat unsettling feeling of a so-so story with an ending of unfulfillment. We all tend to reflect on what should have happened and struggle with regrets on those many, many unfinished burdens while longing for that moment of pure quenched content. I am not depressed. I am not regrettful. Well, maybe a little, but as the one year ends and the new moves in, I force myself to shut off the negative and remember the good. Life doesn’t run in a perfectly straight line. There will always be twists and curves to throw you out of range and make you start again. As I sit and work on my yearly calendar, marking birthdays and other important dates and events, I smile as I realize how truly lucky I am to look out this window and know that I am here to watch this graceful fox prancing by without any care of what year it is and the dreaded what ifs. The screen on my window has made the picture unclear, but that’s okay. Just like life – both unclear and always a challenge. We know this and we need to embrace this. The imperfections in life are what make it perfect. I look to this fox as truly a breathtaking being while overlooking his matted wet paws with uneven orange tones. I only see his pure beauty as he gracefully moves on to his next challenge with a keen awareness of the unpredictable life that awaits ahead as the next chapter unfolds under his unhurried footsteps.
Winter Marches On…
Well, today is January 8th and the bitter, arctic chill has finally subsided. The dreadful, cold snap seemed unending as the negative temperatures made themselves at home for weeks, just like a guest who has overstayed their welcome. The wicked cold snap has finally said goodbye! I have been hibernating with endless amounts of cabin fever as the glazing snow tempted me continuously to come on out and stay awhile. However, as soon as the whistling gust smacks my cheek and imprints a ruby glow on my pasty skin, I turn back around swiftly to my safe haven of warmth and comfort. Today, was my day to venture out and gaze as the sweating ice begins to subside, along with the grandiose sn0w hills collapsing as if to say I am weary. Ahhh, what a wondrous feeling to once again experience fresh brisk air and breathe in the welcoming chill of winter. I know Jack Frost will be arriving again soon, but in this moment, I will continue to behold this second as winter marches on.
After the Rain Comes…
While glancing at The Weather Channel app on my phone, I was excited to see rain coming in the next couple of hours. I had planted my gardens already a couple days ago, and yes, it is early, but I have not seen a freeze warning in sight so I figured I would take the risk, and go for it. Gardening is one of those simple pleasures that I look forward to every year. Yes, it is a lot of work, but the pros truly outweigh the cons. Seeing how each plant adapts to the soil amidst the unpredictable winds, bugs, and weeds truly amazes me! The last couple of years I have found my love had become a bit of a chore, as I rushed to get done so I can move onto other projects. This year I said I am going to take my time, enjoy the process like I used to, and cherish the experience.
Most people I know absolutely HATE any and all forms of gardening. They equate the activity to be on the same level as housework, rather than delight in the experience. I do understand this reasoning to a certain degree. When you work all day and come home, you really don’t want to take another minute to “work” at another job. But I think that is the issue. If you perceive gardening to be just another work assignment, it WILL be just another job. However, if you lose yourself in the moment, and savor the sights of the awaiting soil, as the patient seedlings move effortlessly in the wind, while the aromas of the earth and plants travel freely through the air, as the friendly bumblebee smiles as he observes what is to come…stop and delight in this minute before the moment passes you by.
Hey, I know, the next day your hands will be sore, your back will ache, and the endless mosquito bites will make you want to scream, but at least in the moment, you had time with nature, which is truly more precious than we will ever understand.
After the rain comes, I will be sure to check on the progress of my new additions, but until then, I will just be thankful that I have a beautiful garden to look forward to as Spring marches on.
The Light At the End of the Tunnel…
I know everyone has felt like me in some capacity or another where you just feel completely overwhelmed, and whatever you do, or should I say, try to do, you just don’t feel like you are moving ahead. Well, I have felt this way throughout March and while glancing at my calendar, I guess I can include the beginning of April as well.
I cannot say I am not accomplishing anything, I actually am completing quite a bit; however, I am in that rut where I finish one task, and there are several more to conquer. I am one of those Type A perfectionists that I have to have everything just so, or I feel crazy inside. For as long as I can remember, I have always been an insomniac, but when I am in these non-stop modes, my sleep schedule is even more horribly bothered. I am very restless, my mind is racing, and I am achy all over with the stress that is just pouring off of me.
Yes, I know this sounds dramatic and quite bleak; however, I have learned when I have days like this I have to just breathe. When I say breathe, I don’t mean your regular everyday keeping you alive breathing. I am talking that deep down counting while breathing in and out breathing. It truly does calm me to do this while I listen to a relaxing mix on Pandora. I just tell myself soon I will begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel, even if it may seem like a far stretch away. I know this too will pass and I just need to take each day for what it is and know that I will soon see brighter happy days ahead.
Decisions are Always Easy…After a Shower
Today I was faced with making some very difficult decisions. Fortunately, the decisions were not life or death matters, just many things going on in my life both personally and professionally. I get a bit panicky when everything seems to be happening at once and since I am at this strange crossroads in life, I am needing to decide how I should proceed.
It’s funny because when I need to confront my ever changing mind, I generally will stop in my tracks, and do what I’m sure many others do, maybe with different motivations, but hopefully with some positive end results. The custom I adopt to magically dissolve away all of my problems and bring forth all of those wondrous decisions is none other than, did you guess…of course, a good ol’ fashioned shower! It is miraculous how a shower, with its glorious, steaming presence seems to always, without hesitation, clear my doubt-filled head while allowing me the opportunity to figure out my next steps. My husband absolutely despises when I enter this enchanted downpour because as I exit this ceremonial ritual, my first words always seem to be “Sweetheart, did you remember to…”. Oh boy, and how he hates that! I just chuckle at this silly little way that undeniably always gets under his skin.
So, did that shower actually provide a judgment to the rolling thoughts swimming endlessly in my mind? YES, as a matter of fact, I made quite a few decisions I am happy to report. Now were they the right decisions? Heck, if I know! I said I made decisions after my shower. I didn’t say if they were right or if they were wrong!
Oh What a Beautiful Morning…
Today was one of those sleepy dreadful mornings, as the day after Super Bowl generally is. As I finished getting my son ready, I watched the morning news which reported about a beautiful green-blue meteor that lit up the 1:30 a.m. skies. I ran to tell my son, who is just as fascinated as me when we hear reports such as these. We regrettably agreed we wished it was us who eyewitnessed this last night, as I turned off the TV. I refilled the bird seed in the feeder and then proceeded to the car.
My son absolutely despised going to school today, as he sleepily closed the car door. I yelled to him don’t worry, it will be a good day as I blew a kiss out the car window. On my way home, the morning sun began to peek through the clouds. As I entered my neighborhood, I was delighted to see not one, but SIX deer crossing the street one by one! I smiled as the last straggler hesitated, glanced at me for reassurance, and then continued on the path of the others. When I then entered my home, I already had one of my feral kitty’s patiently waiting for his morning morsels. I quickly brought him his breakfast and he happily lapped up the milk with a flickering tail waving up high as if to say, thank you for remembering me today! I walked upstairs, and smiled from ear to ear as I now watched my favorite feathered friend, the tufted titmouse happily hoarding the fresh sunflower seeds I added to the feeder at day break, before the competition begins with all of the other visitors that will soon be joining him. He hopped along my deck hurriedly yet delicately, seizing quickly, yet daintily, every seed he can.
As I sluggishly gazed at this wondrous display of beauty and grace, I thought quietly to myself, oh what a beautiful morning, as I contentedly continued about my day.
6 More Weeks of Winter…YAY!
Well, my chubby little friend, Punxsutawney Phil made his long awaited prediction today, and to the dismay of many of his followers, winter will continue marching on for six more weeks. Was he truly right as he crawled back to bed after witnessing his shadow? It happened near 7:30 a.m. EST today, and for us watchers in the Midwest, Spring has already shown itself in a few different ways. Just two days ago I spotted my first robin, happily hopping along the brown grass hunting for any worms to feast. Also, the temperatures have reached above normal several days in January, including the dreaded lack of snow!
As a winter lover, I am believing in my plump weather rodent and yearning for one mammoth snow storm to complete my seasonal fix! Once that happens, then Spring can cheerfully move on in, and the masses can proceed to gloat, but until then, please let Mr. Phil’s forecast continue as planned. Good night my Pennsylvania furry friend, see you again the same time next year…
Another Gloomy Day
Well, it’s another gloomy day in January, as I struggle to find any highlights to brighten my mood. I look up to the sky and the gray clouds spread thickly without any shed of light. Now mind you, I am actually one of those strange individuals that prefer gray skies over blue, and welcome the rain over sunshine. Yet, why do I feel so bummed and down? It can’t be Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) because I worship the gray skies and winter days. So, then what can it be? Simply explained as any Midwestern knows, at this time of year we generally have quite a few inches of snow on the ground, with several more on the way. Could this be it? Do I have some unnamed disorder that is opposite of SAD? It surely makes sense to me. I know I’m not the only one. There are a few other comrades out there that jump for joy when we hear Winter Storm Warning, or better yet, Blizzard Warning! I so look forward to intently watching the minute by minute weather reports in hopes of that BIG storm coming my way, with school day cancellations and manic mobs rushing to the stores for staples as if the world is coming to an end.
In actuality, it isn’t the storm itself I cherish. It is the feeling that overcomes me as the powdery night approaches. I delight in the beautiful calm and silence that travels across my neighborhood. It is truly the most relaxing feeling when a snowstorm hits and there is only the brief moments of howling wind tossing the snow upon my windows. I do however welcome the occasional scrape of a snow shovel reaching pavement nearby, or the slow chug of a snowblower three doors down, or the happy giggles and cheers of the children playing next door after receiving the wondrous call that school is closed tomorrow, or most importantly, the echoing Hellos and Thank Yous heard from neighbors lending a hand where they can.
Snowstorms are strange that way. Many people complain and dread the frustrations of storms; however, it is amazing how such storms can bring compassion to the forefront and how they awaken the goodness in others. I guess that is what I am missing. I checked the weather reports for the coming weeks and the only snow in sight is just a slight dusting. My son is disappointed as well as he is waiting to sled, throw snowballs, and build that snowman that we haven’t had a chance to conquer.
Oh well. What I can say. How can I proceed to brighten this day when all I see is black colored slush in the corners of the streets, half dead looking plants begging for a white veil to brighten them, and crunchy brownish green lawns wishing for an ivory blanket to camouflage their unsightliness.
Well, I guess I can start by expressing my delight at the peaceful dainty cardinal thanking me for the fresh seed I replenished in the bird feeder, or the comforting “see you later” from my hubby as he walked out the door for work, or the chubby feral gray cat that just acknowledged me with a satisfied lip smack for the daily dish of milk and nourishment I supplied, or the warming bear hug from my son who softly expressed “I love you mama” as he shut the door to the car this morning as I dropped him off at school.
When I think of all the wonderful things that just happened to me in the last few hours of my morning, how can I not be revitalized and inspired to wash away my negative thoughts that this is just another gloomy day and beam once more remembering that there is always something good in my day. I just need to open my heart and mind to see and feel it. Hey, there will be another snow day sometime in the future, but until then, I am going to remember all of the little things that make me smile everyday. 
The Moment is now…
Today is the day I begin a new journey in life. As January approached, and the idea of a new year set in, I realized my time is now to change. Change my life in a way that not only makes me a better person, but also in a way to nourish my soul. I decided to begin to write. I have always had a passion for writing; however, life truly never gave me the opportunity to grab hold of this love. I always made excuses or wrapped myself in “career or educational writings” that were “required” writings, but not deep down explorative writings. When I was young, I loved to write short stories, songs, poems, you name it. Anything that came to me, I jotted down. However, as time went on, and I became an adult, things changed. I never seemed to have time to write or I chose my preferred sitting in front of the TV escape. Well, this has now changed….
Back in August, I was laid off from my job. It was a shock when it occurred, but as time crawled by, it gave me a real opportunity to explore myself and see what I really wanted to do in life. The Wolf Moon on the 12th opened my eyes and mind, and then Friday the 13th sealed my decision. “I need to do this”, I said to myself and that was it. It was now real and I was not planning on turning back.
Since that moment I started planning to pursue my love of writing. I have a deep connection to nature so I will be mostly concentrating my writings in this arena. I have never felt more relieved and certain about my decision. It seems as though the stars were aligned and my prayers had been finally answered to shed clarity upon me and make me believe this is the time to change my life. The moment is now and I will embrace and share my experiences with the world…